Ask Joan: Wife says "Find Sex Elsewhere, but..." - Senior Planet from AARP

Dear Joan:My wife gave up sex pretty much out of nowhere 15 years ago when we were in our mid-50s.At first Id try to get her into the mood, but she cut me off every time, sometimes harshly.She blamed menopause and her anger about my short fling with a co-worker in the 80s, which shes never forgiven me for.

We fought a lot for years.I was angry at being rejected for intimacy.She was controlling about money.

I considered divorce, but I had family obligations I couldnt walk away from, so I stayed.Adultery?She told me shed be okay with me getting sex elsewhere, as long asit was private and I didnt embarrass her.Ive tried to find a buddy with benefits for years without luck, meeting people in my active life and through free dating sites.Im told Im handsome and accomplished.

Each time I reach the point of disclosing my situation Im married with permission thats the end.I want to be honest, but maybe Im doing this wrong or using the wrong dating sites.Cost (wed need a hotel room) and getting caught have held me back.If I do manage to get a sex friend, I fear that my wife will respond with rage if she finds out, even after giving permission.Sex Workers?Ive considered hiring a sex worker, but I have too much anxiety: the illegality of prostitution and fear of getting arrested or lured into a situation tied to a criminal element.I know my Catholic guilt plays into my resistance to a sex worker.Help!At this stage, the fighting has mostly stopped, and we live like brother and sister.

Im 70, an age where Im worried that a divorcewould only reduce my quality of living.Ill be even more miserable if I fail to find the right woman before my health lessens.-Miserable But Dont DareJOAN RESPONDSYoure in a tangled situation.You want a sex buddy after 15 years of a sexless marriage, but your fears and misgivings are powerful roadblocks.

You have permission from your wife to find a friend with benefits (FWB), but you list many obstacles, both logistical and emotional.Lets look at them one by one.Her angerYou suspect your wife will get angry if she finds out.So set things up so shes highly unlikely to find out.

Seek partners in a nearby city, not your own, if youre afraid that someone you know will spot you.Plan sex dates in out-of-the-way hotels.Online sourcesLearn more about different online dating sites and choose wisely.Avoid the sites that promote committed relationships.

Explore those that allow even encourage FWB connections.OKCupid is a large site that lets you define the kind of relationship you want.Feeld specializes in non-traditional connections.

You can be honest from the beginning instead of worrying about when to disclose.Michael Berkowitz, age 72, has been in an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) marriage for 20 years.He told me, By far, Ive had the most success with OKCupid.You can put up a detailed profile of who you are and what youre looking for.

You can list yourself as married and ethically non-monogamous, making it easy to find people who are open to what you desire.Recently Ive also had success on Feeld, which is definitely good for dont ask, dont tell relationships.I met a compatible casual partner there.CostsI know money is a consideration, but youll need to invest in this pursuit.The online sites Im recommending have payment tiers: you get a little for free and pay for additional functionality, safety, and perks, which will be valuable to you.Sex WorkersYou balk at hiring a sex worker, but this is a simpler (though more costly) way to get exactly what you want.

Its a transaction: you describe the kind of sexual interaction you seek, and you get exactly what you desire, private and discreet.Since sex workers cant advertise exactly what theyre offering, you could start with an internet search of erotic massage near me.I suggest seeking a mature woman with her own website.

Theyre out there!The underlying issuesI think your marriage has unresolved issues, not just from halting sex, but your wifes continued anger about your infidelity 40 years ago did you ever deal with that in therapy? and your guilt and fear.Is your wife content with the roommate relationship, or might she agree to marriage counseling to create a closer companionate marriage while you seek sex elsewhere? In any case, you would benefit personally from guidance from a sex therapist who could help you explore your options and navigate your next steps.Youre unhappy enough to consider divorce, but you hesitate in part because you might not find the right woman before my health lessens.We cant know how long well be healthy, but putting our life on hold is no solution.

Would leaving this marriage and seeking a loving, sexy relationship provide a chance for happiness, or would it open up new problems? Only you can weigh the pros and cons.YOUR TURNWhat would you do in this situation? Share your thoughts in the comments!Do you have a question for Joan?Read this before submitting!You must beage 60 and above.Be sure to state your age.No short questions.Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic.

If so, but your question wasnt addressed, put a new spin on the topic.This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.If your question is right for Joans column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email.After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately.If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for apersonal consultation.Ready to submit your [email protected] Price has been Senior Planets Sex at Our Age columnist since 2014.

She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and the newly updated and expanded Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.Visit Joanswebsite and blogfor senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective.Subscribe to Joans free, monthly newsletter.