Joan advises a reader who thinks shes been replaced by her husbands porn habit.My husband (76) and I (68) have been married 48 years.Until two years ago, we had no problems in our marriage.Now porn has taken my place.
Im not a wife who nags, bitches, or belittles.Our sex life used to be incredible.We did everything sexually we both loved, and I enjoyed pleasuring him in every way.
I never turn down intimacy of any imagination.I love to be made love to.Dramatic ChangeBut two years ago, I had to be hospitalized with a health issue.A series of big medical problems followed that put me out of commission for a long time.
I still need a lot of help from him in daily life.I have urge incontinence, so I wear bladder control pads.He has to help me up and down stairs because I use a walker.
All this has taken a toll on my body and our marriage.All the down time led my husband to use porn secretly.When our daughters take me out, hes on his phone watching porn.I cant get around on my own, so when I want to visit friends, he takes me to their house and picks me up a few hours later.
Hes using porn the whole time Im gone.Porn Habit or Addiction?I found this out by snooping on his phone just once.Some porn sites came up.He hadnt deleted his phone history for three years, so I could track when he watched porn: while I was hospitalized and whenever I was out of the house.I confronted him.
He lied at first, then said he would quit because he understood how it made me feel.He promised no more porn, I havent checked, trying hard to trust him, but my stomach turns when I leave him alone.He cant tell me why he had to keep it a secret or why he isnt affectionate anymore no kissing, no intimacy at all.Not once in last two years has he asked to make love.
Ive told him Im able.Ive initiated sex after I promised to try and forgive and forget.But each time, he has to masturbate to get semi-hard.While Im orally pleasuring him, he gets hard, but when I tell him I need him inside of me, he loses it.
Ive been trying to put this behind us, hoping he can perform.But theres no penetration, just some foreplay, then nothing.He says its not me, its ED.I say porn took away our intimacy and desensitized him to real-life sex.
Give me some insights, please.Joan respondsYouve had a terribly difficult time with many medical issues and lack of intimacy with your husband.This must be painful and disheartening, and I sympathize.But I see your anger as misdirected.Your husbands porn viewing is likely not the reason for the lack of sex in your marriage as much as your spying, anger, and shaming of him.
You say you never belittle your husband and youre open to intimacy of any imagination yet you guilt him for turning to porn when your medical issues prevented intimacy.Whether he has given it up or not, watching porn is completely normal, especially (though not exclusively) for men.He waits until youre out of the house and hes alone.Thats discreet and respectful, as I see it.
He has a right to privacy, a zone of erotic autonomy, as sex advisor Dan Savage calls it.Our orgasms dont become communal property when we get married, clinical psychologist David Ley, Ph.D.told me.Each of us is entitled to own our sexuality, so long as we handle it with responsibility, authenticity and integrity.
Ley is the author of Ethical Porn for Dicks, A Mans Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure and an internationally known expert on this topic.I can understand that he doesnt feel affectionate under the cloud of your anger.Why the ChangeYour husbands occasional porn viewing is not the reason hes not responding to you sexually.You tell him youre trying to forgive and forget, yet even now youre suspicious.You insist that porn caused his ED and the rift in your marriage.
How could he not keep it a secret, when youre clear that you see it as a rejection of you? I can understand that he doesnt feel affectionate under the cloud of your anger.Seeing a sex therapist together would help you as a couple.Both of you would benefit from honestly expressing your feelings and coming closer to understanding each other.A therapist could also help you resolve the issues of the changed relationship and your ongoing health issues and need for assistance.AdjustI encourage you to adjust your expectations of sex.
Your husbands ED is not caused by porn.Undependable erections are common in men his age.If he gets hard through oral, give him that pleasure.
Dont stop to insist on intercourse.Expecting him to perform practically guarantees the opposite.If you want penetration, he can use his fingers or a dildo, paired with a clitoral vibrator if that pleases you.
As we age, we need to explore other options for sexual satisfaction.My Great Sex Without Penetration webinar would be helpful to you.Your TurnIf porn has been an issue between you and your partner, how have you resolved it?Do you have a question for Joan?Checkhttps://seniorplanet.org/author/joan-price/ in case Joan has already addressed your topic.Joan can only answer questions from peopleage 60 and above.Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately.If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for apersonal consultation.If your question is under consideration for Joans column, she will email you directly and will only select your question if you respond to her email.
If you submit your question, please check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.Ready to submit your [email protected] Price has been Senior Planets Sex at Our Age columnist since 2014.She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.Visit Joanswebsite and blogfor senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective.
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Disclaimer: This story is auto-aggregated by a computer program and has not been created or edited by Senior Savings Deals.
Publisher: Senior Planet ( Read More )
Publisher: Senior Planet ( Read More )
